This Means War

Ever girl fantasises about being the object of many men’s affections. The mam in the middle. The rose between two thorns. The lady of the moment with her pick of the litter. In Hollywood this woman exists. This woman is Lauren Scott. There are some who have questioned the choice of Reese Witherspoon as a suitable stick of man magnet lady candy, expressing that she lacks the raw, magnetic sex appeal that would cause men of such distinction to fight over efforts to paw all over her, especially when you could have a Megan Fox or a Jessica Alba, but how many machines of monstrous men forged from the remains of the Titanic itself have gone gaga gooey goo goo over the girl next door instead of Miss Super Hot, Super Sexy, Super Star, Super Model and with her luminous hair, ocean eyes and killer smile, Ms Witherspoon is still looking pretty damn good. Besides, she has felled such mantelope in her time as Ryan Phillippe and Jake Gyllenhaal so she must know that sweet and sugary wins the race. Anyway, it’s not a bad job being paid to have men fight over you…

Ms Lauren Scott might be Miss Successful, sweet and sexy but she is on a man hunt. Enter CIA agents and best buds, as well as contesting contenders for her heart (and loins) FDR (played by the usually straight laced Chris Pine), a smooth talking alpha male chauvinist and connoisseur of women who enjoys spying on bikini clad ladies in swimming pools and haunting the local video store to pick up lucked out singles, and Tuck (man of the moment Tom Hardy) who plays against type (delicious, dead eyed, bodacious bad boy) to emit a sweet, almost poetic vibe, as a family man who is infatuated with the idea of love itself. Tuck meets Lauren the modern way – via the internet, and FDR consequently bumps into her at his fave haunt (the video store of course).

What ensues is a ‘date off’ as Tuck and FDR spy on one another (and of course Lauren) as they attempt to out date each other with trips to the fair, art galleries, clubs and romantic restaurants. Slowly they uncover more and more about Lauren; her interests, ambitions and intrigues. There is a villain lingering in the background in the form of Heinrich, (shark-eyed scene stealer Til Schweiger) but he is merely an excuse for the odd car chase, explosion and get away helicopter. The real focus is on this three way freak fest.

Reese shimmers and shines as the sweet super sassy tweety pie cuckoo bird that we have come to know and love for her likeability and effervescence in roles such as ‘Legally Blonde’. What’s so workable with Reese is that you could see every thought cloud over in her baby blues and her face brightens up like a light bulb at just the right points.Chris Pine has moments of sheer hilarity and quick fire physical comedy. Hardy appeared oddly miscast. I simply couldn’t disconnect him in my mind from the intense, tenacious, magnetic, barbaric animalism he has previously channelled for such roles as Heathcliff and Tommy in ‘Warrior’ (a type that fits him better I feel). Mr Hardy is not ‘romcom’ man – this cheapens his dead eyed, bad boy, rough edged persona. Chelsea Handler is awkward-cringy- middle aged hilarity personified as Lauren’s best friend Trish, a woman who enjoys supping vodka from her baby’s beakers and eating Cheetos from the lardy roles of her partners’ stomach during intercourse whilst vicariously living through Lauren’s lustful love life.

Lauren does of course inevitably make a choice. She can’t ping back and forth, yo-yo like between these two hot bods forever. I was mildly surprised and disappointed with Lauren’s decision (anyone that knows my tastes will know now who she did not choose – friggin’ idiot) but everything wraps up nice and coherently (in true Hollywood style). I would recommend this as a light-hearted, pop corn fuelled rom-com that will make you laugh and even if it doesn’t, it’s so packed with man candy that your eyes will be thanking you for coughing up the cost of a ticket.

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